War Journal 150

I’ve definitely been dropping the ball lately

It’s been more than a year since my last post. Not exactly the progress I’ve been hoping for.

I wanted to post a special 150 Canada Day Journal as I’ve made an important decision lately.

In 2011 a began a journey down a road of self healing both physically and mentally… in 2014 the road kind of stopped from a physical standpoint. I wasn’t working out as much anymore and my diet had gone to shit. Not to say I stopped working out completely, I just lost the focus and passion that I once had. I only would go to the gym and lift, not with any purpose or heart behind it.

Seeing that I hit 3.5 years dry tomorrow and it’s Canada’s 150th today I decided to make another stand.. starting July 5th I will recommence training with a professional.. It’s a 13 week course to begin with, then I’m aiming to take it to the next level… I’ve neglected myself far too long. It’s time to take back what once was mine….  Back to the trenches for me. Wish me luck
Happy Canada Day

Wishing you the best in life

John aka Tank 

 

3/20/16 Entry

War Journal Entry 2016

think I might lose this war

War Journal Entry 10

War Journal Entry 10

December 13
Mom’s Bday
Not the time for this
Can’t avoid it
Was bad today
Shouldn’t have been
A time for joy
A time for peace
A time for love
Not today
At least not within
Almost. Broke.
Almost
How did I let this happen
Fix me
Before it’s too late

War Journal Entry 9

I fear it has returned
And with a vengeance
Been too focused fighting booze
Snuck up on me
Took another form
Crap food. Withdrawal. No drive
You sat there and let it happen
Sure you workout. But you don’t do it with purpose anymore
Not for a while
You’re scared again…. deadlines… bills… upsetting someone at work
What happened to you
Brave warrior
No more
Wake up
Fight
Now

Let’s Talk

Hi

I’m a few days early with this but that’s not a bad thing

Today I wanted to share my experiences in with mental illness

So here goes…

In 2011 I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. For years I had been battling alcoholism and didn’t realize it. I also just had lost my uncle suddenly, worked a job I no longer enjoyed and my father’s dementia was advancing rapidly. This resulted in a perfect storm..

It culminated into one morning at work where after (one of many) sleepless nights I walked I to my bosses office, he could see it in me.. At this time I simply broke down. Not because I was weak, but because I had tried to be strong for too many years… I ended up tendering my resignation that day.

In retrospect I realize I should have done something about this earlier. I guess I was afraid. Afraid of being labelled a coward, a drunk, a “pussy”..
I had a lot of people who (I thought) depended on me and I owed it to them to “tough it out”

I was wrong
The only person I owed was myself.

It’s been more than three years now and I’ve shown dramatic improvement but I continue to struggle everyday

One of the biggest obstacles for those who struggle like me is overcoming that first step: the stigma

Today, Wednesday, and everyday going forward join me in supporting “Let’s Talk” and let’s end this once and for all

Take care of yourselves

War Journal Entry 8

It’s been too long here
Starting to lose focus again
Here’s another excerpt from 2012…

July 20

Months almost done
Summer gone soon
It will get colder
The sun will go away
The darkness will linger

Hit me hard today
At work
People can see it
Wasn’t the guy they knew
They will talk

I don’t care
Just a job
Barely pays bills
Only fighting this is important
Jobs come and go
Need to put self first for a bit
Get stronger
Get happy
Live again
Live again
I will

For those in the trenches, keep fighting

War Journal Entry #7

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.. Time to get back to work

July 16 2012

Early to bed today
Hot outside
Makes it harder to sleep
It took the day off today
Good
I’m still not complete
Something missing
Not satisfied
You’ll get there, it will come
Family party Sunday
Everyone married and pregnant
So what?
When you get married and have kids, you becomes us
You cease
You are 2nd in line
That’s great for others
But not you, not now
Maybe someday when the lights come back on
Time to call it a day
Another round tomorrow

War Journal Entry 6

Here we go
Another entry from my series of writings from the summer of 2012

July 12

Just another day
Thinking more and more these days
How do you win this war?
Easy
You live
You smile
You laugh
You love
You fight
Get up everyday and give thanks you are here, because others aren’t

Become the light
Control the dark
You can beat it
You are the common denominator
Not someone else
Just you
Selfish?
No
You will save your own life and maybe others
You can
You will

War Journal Entry #5

Back to the war… It’s been extremely tough posting these.. But I promised this year I’d be better. This is a big step forward.

July 9

Another day gone
It didn’t show today
Anxiety was out in force
I can fight one, but not both
Getting worked up easy
Especially at work
Why?
It’s not worth it, it won’t help
Is it because I care?
Maybe
Still an attachment to work
Need to detach and focus more on me
Health #1, Work #100
Rooms a mess, are you a child?
Grow up
Clean up
Get healthy
Get happy
Grow and move on
That’s what this revolution should be
Museum next weekend, no time off
Take a knee, take a day
Heal for the next round